alanon 2and a half years, coda one year.
aa- 1 day. i went to an aa meeting last night with trepidation. i saw my father in the speakers, i was alert and yet drawn to everyone in that room and yet also repelled. i heard my fathers story, my sisters soul speaking from the speakers. i heard myself.
i realised a lot....(((epiphany))). my dad raped me, he bashed me, he did it to my family, he was an alco. we loved each other. i sometimes still hate him. i have 50% of my genes from him. i have rejected the fact that i have some part of him in me. going to aa allowed me to embrace/acknowledge that part of me that i had rejected,judged,hated all my life, the part of me that comes from my alcoholic father. i had built up a sense in alanon of us vs them without realising it. alanon the innocent victims of circumstance vs the haughty,irresponsible ****ers in aa that had unintentionally caused us grief.
going to aa has opened my eyes to aa and alanon really being sisters against the disease, not the disease-d. also i am forced to see my own addictions to food. i admit i haugtily boasted myself in alanon meetings how whilst my sister got smashed i only had a glass of wine or didnt drink at all. a sense of self-righteousness that i am aware of now. i also can finally admit that i believe alcohol was never meant for human consumption and that that includes me. i feel i am already being released of judgement, hatred and am being given the grace of forgiveness, i walked into that aa meeting thinking, one more addiction? oh lord keep me open. i walked away thinking, welcome to the human race!!! i also felt god telling me, i gave you your soul and i love you still, now and always. humble thanks people.
