[TheGirlInside]

Chloe,

I'm glad you stopped at SR before (during?) going down any more of the "spiral." I am so familiar with it, that I can tell ahead of time exactly what I'm going to be thinking, feeling and saying to myself when I get there...but knowing that doesn't keep me from going there anyway (just like knowing that alcohol/sugar/obesity, etc...is trying to kill me doesn't have any effect on whether I'm going to do anything about any of that).

I'm not sure what you mean by AD?? Is that a prescription? I've heard they take a few days/weeks to start to take effect. Could you have it checked? for too much/too little/too often?

Do you have someone out there you can talk to about those feelings f2f? I have to force myself sometimes to call the sponsor when I feel like S**T, because I'm tired of calling her to bawl all the time. She insists that I can call her anytime, no matter what (but I still try to be somewhat considerate).

That said, please feel free to vent here all you want. Sometimes just getting it "out" helps me, too.

I understand what you mean about resenting your family...I feel very ticked off to realize that I have to stay alive so that my daugters can be raised by one loving parent, at least. I may not be a wonderful, perfect mother, but I know that I can give them love.

Do you journal much? I hate to do it, but I do feel better....
Do you have something non-living you can "kill?" (if your depression has any rage-based roots), like beating up a pillow? or a "voodoo" doll? I've wanted to create something that I call "addiction" and kill that... how about a primal scream? into a muffled item, like a scarf, pillow, bed? (but just one, so nobody calls the cops).

These have sometimes worked for me. Helping others, as bizarre as that might sound, does help-sometimes- too.