That's exactly what I'm going to commit to from this day forth..figuring out what I want. I'm tired of thinking of his feelings over mine first. When I think about not being with him it's scary, but really I worry more about what will happen to him than what will happen to me. I am and have been fincancilly supporting myself (and him the majority of our relationship) since I've been 22years old. My mom died, dad died when I was 7 and I have been on my own financially since then. I was the primary financial supporter in my first marriage for reasons beyond my first husbands control (cancer, not being able to work) but his family did help a lot.
AH hasn't stood on his own two feet in 35yrs, sometimes I feel like his meal ticket, not his wife. Yes, he's working now but his work history has been sporadic his entire adult life. Yes, he is an alcholic and his disease has contributed to this but come on!!!
He's almost 9 months sober and I am so very proud of him for this and realize that he's going through some difficult times that I can't even comprehend. I want more, I need more and I deserve more. the question is can he give me what I want (when I truely figure that out) or is it going to be the same game only, sober. He's got the intelligence, he's got the degree, he's got the potential but for what-ever the reason he's never quite been able to tap into what he has and work with it. I may have said on posts before that I've detached from him but now thinking back, I don't believe I've REALLY detached from him. I want him to see his potential, he don't. I want him to want more for himself and his children, he don't seem to. I'm tired of trying to clean up the emotional mess his AH mother and good for nothing father have created. He Has to Help Himself, period. His intentions are always good it's the follow through that is the problem. I do believe in him but he don't believe in himself. I can't make him believe that there is good stuff out there for him. I can't make him reach for the stars and I can't sit around waiting for him to believe that he can have it if he wants it bad enough.
So, therapy has begun and it looks like it will be individual rather than marital counseling. I'm going for me. I get the feeling that he's going for me too. He's afraid to loose the security blanket that I have become to him. I'm tired of being his mommy, I want to be his wife. I want him to stand up and be the man he is meant to be and I'm not so sure he has it in him. Then again, I didn't think he'd ever check himself into a rehab center and get sober after 20years of alcohol/drug abuse and he did. He did it for himself now he has do get the rest of his **** together for himself not in order to hang onto me like a frightened child hangs onto their momma's hand because of separation anxiety. I don't need him. He needs me. I want to be needed in a healthy way not because he thinks/believes he can't stand on his own two feet. Does that make any sort of sense??
