We had our first session of marriage counseling last night. Typical, first appointment with the therapist obtaining a history. Of course, if AH left something out I was more than happy to chime in and fill in the gaps (codie, codie, codie.)
He told AH he was under a lot of stress with finances, rocky marriage and that he HAD to maintain his sobriety and make it to 9 months. Said he could see how the stress he's under can lead to a relapse but stressed the huge accomplishment he's made and to keep it up. Then my turn.. "you're and intelligent woman, yet you make very poor decisions. You're not a very strong person are you? What's kept you in this relationship for 9 yrs? Fear of being alone, love for him, the dream that you won't let die?" He thinks I may still have grieving to be done over the death of my first husband that died 8 yrs ago. He asked where would you be right now if AH was not in your life. I said financially stable, emotionally secure basicly security in general. He said "it's never a good or smart idea to marry an addict and yet you knew it and you did it." What do you want, to work on the marriage or call it quits?" I say I don't know. AH, says I'm done for today and stands up to walk out. Counselor says ok C, it was nice to meet you. C, says you to and walks out. As soon as he leaves I look at counselor and say I just want a divorce. He says "why didn't you say that when he was here." I say because if I do divorce him I'm afraid of what will happen to him. Where he will go etc. He says he admires my compassion for AH but what do I want. I said, " because he's sober I'd like to try to make it work but I'm getting no indication that he wants it to work other than talk followed by no actions. So he tells me to tell AH, "I'm leaning towards divorce. I'm trying to see a glimmer of hope that you may want this to work but divorce is what I'm leaning toward." I tell him I've done this before but he gets upset and tells me I'm trying to get rid of him and that's been my plan all along. He says tell him again. Then he makes a follow up appt for me. Tells me to still keep the living situation the same (separate rooms, little contact) and think about if this is what I Really want or am I staying out of fear of being alone. I go to the bathroom. He says "C is outside on the front steps, I'm going to see if he's interested in making another appointment to see me."I go to the car. He comes out and says "That went well". "I'm seeing him again next week. When are u seeing him?" Next week I say. On the way home I ask "why did you walk out?" He said " It was difficult to hear him tell you that you should have never married me ( an addict). I didn't want to say anything I'd regret or would make me come out looking like and A$$hole. It made me angry to hear him say that but I knew he was right."
I told C I'm leaning toward divorce at this point. I'm looking for a shred of hope that there is reason to try working on this relationship and left it at that. We came home went to our separate spaces and that was that. Well not really, I did some journaling and started allowing myself to think of divorce as an option. It scares the crap out of me. I guess being alone is the biggest fear. I don't know what's going to happen next week or next year but I'm starting to allow myself to see all my options, and divorce although not how I wanted this to end is a real possibility. I still love him but I don't think he has anything to give to me right now as he is giving his all to his recovery. It could take years for him to work though all of his issues. Do I want to wait around especially since he shuts me out? Lots to think about...What do I want? I have no idea right now. I don't know if I ever did.
