... it really sucks.
I don't even know how to start this post. I don't know if I'll hit "post" when I've finished. I just feel bad.
I'm depressed. I'm tired. I'm perimenopausal. I don't need to list all the stupid tedious things that are making me that way. You guys know how it is. Sometimes it seems like it takes all the running you can do to stay in one place.
I quit drinking hard a long time ago. I didn't use a program, just stopped. I stopped before any catastrophes resulted from it. I never thought of myself as an alcoholic until I came to these boards a couple of years ago looking for help with my resplendent codependency. I took the quizzes and got a lot of the wrong answers. Okay. I might be. It's always been apparent to me that I can't drink moderately. When I drink... I get drunk. When I get drunk, I want to get drunk again the next day. I never told myself I couldn't have ANY EVER, just got by when the notion hit by telling myself that would not be a good thing to do today. Too much to do. Too risky. Generally that worked out just fine and I forgot about it. (On a few rare occasions I decided it WAS a good thing to do today. The succeeding tomorrow was a bit more of a struggle.) This week... urg... this week is different. It is positively all I think about. And that's kind of a scarey place to be after the last few years of trying to clean up after someone else's using. I think the whole reason I'm writing this is so I don't drive up the street to the liquor store. Not that I don't have plenty to do that should be sufficient to intervene. The normal distractions aren't working. I never had so much sympathy for Rasputin as I do right now.
I know all the good 12 step answers. I know the non 12 step answers, too. But my jaw is aching from gritting my teeth. Instead of chips I may soon be able to award myself little broken tooth shards.
Maybe I should just have said "aaaaaaaarrrrrgh!" Please somebody tell a joke.
Scream, shout, run about.
Post? Delete? Post? Delete? Post? Delete?
Post.
Dop
