I'm trying not to feel selfish...I am going thru a lot right now and need support myself...I have always felt responsible for taking care of others - minimizing my needs...
A perfect example is caring for my XBF who had a stroke 3 yrs ago...I lived with him and took care of him for the first 2 yrs...as I was trying to recover from 4 yrs of suicidal, in bed - depression..but I stayed sober by the grace of God..I am the only one he has (except for a sister who will not help- even when I begged for respite) finally I moved out a year ago..On the verge of cracking up - feeling very resentful of him.
Thinking maybe then she would jump in....nope - he deteriorated so much - that I had to start helping with medical things only again..
I have made progress in that way..but with his health deteriorating..seizures, serious sleep apnea (life threatening)...specialists appts 3-4 times a week...
By the way - He has had to relearn language and Speech - that is why I am involved - I am the only one who understands his "speech" and have fought for the best medical care for him - or he would have slipped thru the cracks...Every time I have backed away - he has deterioratede so much..There is so much more to this story - but I will get to the point !!
I have Depression and was supposed to start electroshock treatment yesterday because I have become unwell myself...He just cant see this (stroke related - I think)..I was supposed to have one yesterday - but it was deferr to next week..He didn't call yesterday..But has called this morning..AND I DON'T WANT TO CALL BACK - I DON'T CARE IF HE HAS HAD A SEIZURE - I am ssoooooooooo tired - I need Janni time...Even knowing he is waiting for a callback from me is sucking the energy from me...I really think this is part of the reason I am isolating..saving up my energy to use with him....
I am trapped tho - I sold his condo for free & helped him buy a smaller more manageable one for free ( would have made 30-40K) in Apr...Now I am broke & he has been paying my bills for me - he is freaking out that I can't work to pay him back right now - doesn't put a value on what I have done for him- I am feeling trapped that I can't work and having trouble truning it all over to God - I am in Fear..I am Praying these treaments will snap me out of this depression so that I can function and get back on a healthy path..I know God has a plan...So All I can do is wait....
But I don't want to call him back today..or anyone else....
I feel guilty about that...I only want to stay here and do as many on-line meetings as I can....Sorry I'm so long winded, but had to get this off my chest..I need support today !!!!!!
.....Janni