August 15th
In the year since I entered treatment for my eating disorder, I think I have cried more than I ever had before in twenty eight years of life. There have been times when I cried for hours, even days! I cry for the sadness and pain in my childhood; there are many painful memories that I never grieved. I feel better after I let the tears flow.
I once thought that by pushing painful memories down inside me with food they would somehow go away. That was not the case. When I think of all the years of my life that I have invested in my eating disorder, it makes me cry.
Recently I became acutely aware of the ways I hurt others with my selfishness. I cry when I think of how my children have suffered because I am not whole. I share my tears with them, and I let them know that I am sorry for the pain I have caused.
Getting in touch with the pain and sadness in my life has not been all bad. Because I am learning to acknowledge my feelings of sadness, other feelings are coming to the surface as well. Going through suffering has made me more aware of real joy. At times I believed I would never smile or laugh again, but I have, and it feels good!