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I have found my frustrations of lost postings to later be a blessing. I cant credit this stupid computer that seems to be something of extended body now-this keyboard. Computer is good nor evil though but how I use this things is what makes me prone to evil if I am not careful, or forget painful lessons learned. SO now when something seems to slip away I can usually see right away it was trash, atleast for what it is that I set out to do. Sometimes I really say thank you Lord for not letting that through. It is also really true that anything of real value cannot be lost unless we turn from it ourselves and fall back into seeking what will never satisfy. Its not answers to seek I have found because they alway bring another question. My only wisdom now I feel is in accepting what is and being apreciative of all that I have and with love I am rich and with God I am forever under watch and have learned and believe the more I can commune with the Lord the more I will never have to want anything. I have seen the light and that is enough for me for now. it is dark now and I accept this easier, less frantic spinning around my head. So now I am trying to Give God something to work with in giving him all my true feelings no matter what yet stillt his is hard, but it is silly to hide anything I know because until I have come to truth in me with whatever I know the Lord cant move me. Right now its like im fighting him but I know this is really me trying my best to listen and I accept now whatever I am even if far away in the dark. My own fake light always failed me and now I am grateful yet still not pleased by this darkness. Strange being blind is comforting because it always makes seek the hand of the Lord. Now not in a fury will I seek light but use the darkness to start a new way to be. Its seems very comforting now in away to have this chance to learn the way of the Lord in a true commitment so I know that he will be always helping me even if I think of my own ways again and slip off. Darkness I hope to find quickly so I can realign again. For I have seen the true light although it passed like a flicker. It still was enough to shake my entire being to know my need and my strength was nothing but a my will to be a man as thought it was supposed to be. This is very new though so I am still like a new born again but its different I know this time, my only fear is that this time I cant fail for if I do it would mean to me that I rejected God. Before I had ignorance to use as my alliby and it feals like thats Ok too, and im not innocent but I feel forgiven in true repentance which I did not understand before. Even now its so small of an offering I make but its a start and I believe. Thank you all for the support and prayers. I have used this site to smash my way through my own obstacles creating more as I went, but only with patience and love has it turned to something good I believe at least in me getting to here now. I accept the circumstances of my past but I no longer carry the gullt. I have prayed for the incedentals of my change which has been violent to hear me say that I will be observent to these things greater than me so I can become in tune with the good flow of love grace and forgiveness. I hold no grudges even to things that have hurt me deeply. With my focus being right even if im blinded I feel everything of the past as things that just were what they were and I am trying to stop even considering what or why but rather be grateful for any lesson ive learned that has value that lasts. Really any and everything that has brought mr sown has taught me more humilty and shown me in time it was because I was not looking to the Lord before but rather after. So im trying to communicate to everyone as much as communicated before but now in showing my admitting I was not as I thought and now im open to learn tryting to subdue my own self-regard. I must give thanks to all who cared or gave me the chance to grow despite of my violence that I took before upon myself as a victem to these tragedies and pains and suffereings ive had enduring like the were giving me credit to being the ultimate survivor or something. it was all vanity although now it is something I can recognize so its good for me and I hope to do well for others and believe now if not in union it seems to have become more docile and it doesnt seem oppositional. forever grateful I am, and I hope for continued prayers for I knwo that I ahvce needed them. Ansd just to have 1 person believe in me was everything at the time and I coulldnt have made it without knowing some still loved and cared for me without regard to what I was that I couldnt see and without regard for my past. Its been not long poems that have really been the true gems I cherish you all for all though its the beauty of them that I love but rather I word or to that was straight to my heart that made laugh or cry. I remeber these still and often think to them because they are awsome to me. These are probably the words no one even remebers laying down. I devour poems and wise sayings but true genuie kindness and things that reach my timid soul that are often not even considered I find great joy in. they find there way to where they can truly effect a heart and make changes and move people. I want acknowledge but in just saying I know and thankyou, becasue I want to feel normal again or for a first. Its starting to show and I now I seem to prefer to be more anonymous wher I can make my way without beiing thrown off by my own reputation or identity effecting my relationships. i know this is a process too though so I am taking whatever is open and being open to whatever may be given. I must learn to listen before i can teach I see but this transition is difficult to balance as is surely evident here.
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