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blueglass · 08-01-2006, 10:45 PM

I believe the last time I posted here was to talk about how I had gotten on new meds and I was feeling great and found myself in a new relationship and everything was good, a type of good I'd never experienced before.

Well, two times in the last 3 weeks, I've seriously considered suicide. What's shocking to me is that it's the first time in over 12 years. I'm in such a state.. I mean I'm fairly sure that I'll be ok, because I have an inate quality to talk myself off of any and every ledge, but..... there are times when I just don't want to. I don't want to be that strong for myself, I want to feel what I feel and have someone else be that strong for me, is that bad?

Long story short, this relationship ended as all my other ones have - with infidelity and lies. After being told repeatedly by this guy that he wanted a relationship with me, he then starts being really... well.. ****** to me. Downright mean. I, of course, begin to question myself... what did I do, blah blah. Half listening to my closest friend, who was, without so many words, blaming me for this guy (who happens to be his friend and roommate - nice, eh?) being so unhappy.. as if I did it. As if I forced this relationship down his throat when I only wanted something casual until HE said he wanted more. I wondered what it was.. or is, about me, that runs off men. I wondered why I couldn't just openly hurt and expect support from my friends instead of having to pretend that I'm "better/stronger than this", because with any sign of weakness or humanness on my part, my friend wants me to suck it up. Then I find out that he's seeing someone else. He just couldn't tell me that, just couldn't be honest, he had to do what others have done to me my whole life, and send me reeling back into a darkness that I haven't seen since I was in my very young and stupid 20s.

Right now, I'm absolutely sick of breathing. The energy that it takes to draw breath just has me exhausted. I have never been so utterly alone, and I don't think I have it in me to just not let myself have this moment of weakness and feel every inch of it because I will drown in it. The only person I have to turn to right now is so busy blaming me for this whole incident, and trying to make sure he stays completely neutral, that he's forgetting the finer points, such as..... me not trusting anyone in 12 years to even attempt to have a relationship. He can't see what an effort it was on my part to even entertain the idea. My trust was spit back in my face, and while I know it wasn't my fault for trusting, I honestly just feel like "f*ck it, I'm done."

I'm home all alone... and I will be for the next 5 days. I have no mode of transportation, and my best friend is too caught up in other **** to see that I'm about to have a meltdown.

Pray for me would ya?

08-01-2006, 10:45 PM	#1 (permalink)
blueglass Freak, no Leash Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Ohio Posts: 50	...but the Vicodin is just right THERE! I believe the last time I posted here was to talk about how I had gotten on new meds and I was feeling great and found myself in a new relationship and everything was good, a type of good I'd never experienced before. Well, two times in the last 3 weeks, I've seriously considered suicide. What's shocking to me is that it's the first time in over 12 years. I'm in such a state.. I mean I'm fairly sure that I'll be ok, because I have an inate quality to talk myself off of any and every ledge, but..... there are times when I just don't want to. I don't want to be that strong for myself, I want to feel what I feel and have someone else be that strong for me, is that bad? Long story short, this relationship ended as all my other ones have - with infidelity and lies. After being told repeatedly by this guy that he wanted a relationship with me, he then starts being really... well.. ****** to me. Downright mean. I, of course, begin to question myself... what did I do, blah blah. Half listening to my closest friend, who was, without so many words, blaming me for this guy (who happens to be his friend and roommate - nice, eh?) being so unhappy.. as if I did it. As if I forced this relationship down his throat when I only wanted something casual until HE said he wanted more. I wondered what it was.. or is, about me, that runs off men. I wondered why I couldn't just openly hurt and expect support from my friends instead of having to pretend that I'm "better/stronger than this", because with any sign of weakness or humanness on my part, my friend wants me to suck it up. Then I find out that he's seeing someone else. He just couldn't tell me that, just couldn't be honest, he had to do what others have done to me my whole life, and send me reeling back into a darkness that I haven't seen since I was in my very young and stupid 20s. Right now, I'm absolutely sick of breathing. The energy that it takes to draw breath just has me exhausted. I have never been so utterly alone, and I don't think I have it in me to just not let myself have this moment of weakness and feel every inch of it because I will drown in it. The only person I have to turn to right now is so busy blaming me for this whole incident, and trying to make sure he stays completely neutral, that he's forgetting the finer points, such as..... me not trusting anyone in 12 years to even attempt to have a relationship. He can't see what an effort it was on my part to even entertain the idea. My trust was spit back in my face, and while I know it wasn't my fault for trusting, I honestly just feel like "fck it, I'm done." I'm home all alone... and I will be for the next 5 days. I have no mode of transportation, and my best friend is too caught up in other *** to see that I'm about to have a meltdown. Pray for me would ya?